


never a clean break

by secretlyhuman



Series: breathe [2]
Category: Brooklyn Nine-Nine (TV)
Genre: Angst, Break Up, F/M, Not Canon Compliant, Undercover
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-15
Updated: 2017-07-15
Packaged: 2018-12-02 11:02:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,199
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11508072
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/secretlyhuman/pseuds/secretlyhuman
Summary: It was then her heart fell apart completely, all that was left was an open wound where Amy Santiago used to be.





	never a clean break

**Author's Note:**

> This is part of a series but you don't need to have read the first peart to read this one. Hope you enjoy.

She’d been given the assignment on a normal day. The whole squad was in the bullpen and she thought it had been something to do with paperwork (or more likely, Jake not doing it). It was warm enough to be comfortable and the low level chatter relaxed her, like white noise. The comfort of it all grated on her nerves slightly, she felt like maybe something bad had to happen to balance out all the good. Jake was pulling faces at her from across their desks and her heart filled with love. They’d been fighting a bit more than normal recently but she couldn’t imagine leaving, she would walk to the ends of the earth just to make Jake Peralta smile. 

She’d been called into the captain’s office where he was accompanied by a short women with a pinched face and he gave her a tight smile.  
“Santiago,this is Officer Smith from vice, she wants to talk to you about an assignment.” She swelled with pride at the fact that she’d been chosen, recognised for her skill.  
“We need you to infiltrate a local gambling ring, we’re worried they have ties to some of the local mobs and we need to make sure their influence doesn’t spread.” It was a perfect assignment, Jake would be so jealous, she couldn’t wait to tell him, to see the same proud smile he’d given her when she’d be promoted to sergeant.  
“I’ll do it. Eyes closed, head first, can’t lose. Someone really smart told me that once.” She could see the captain smiling out of the corner of her eye and her excitement grew.

The bad thing (the one she always expected) didn’t happen until she was being briefed in vice.  
“You can’t tell anyone, your parents will be notified not to contact you until they are informed of your safety. Also this particular ring has ties to Figgis’ crime empire so it’s in your best interest to break up with your current partner, considering he’s butted heads with Figgis before.” It felt like her heart dropped, like she was on a rollercoaster and she’d just started to freefall. She couldn’t do that to Jake but she couldn’t give up this assignment either. She didn’t start to cry, Smith would never respect her then, she just squared her shoulders and kept going, she had to keep going.  
“You have a week to get everything in order before the mission starts.” A week wasn’t enough time, a week would never be enough to memorise all the things that made Jake himself. She could feel the panic clawing at her throat and the tears just behind her eyes but she had to do it. A little part of her wanted to turn down the assignment, run away with Jake, maybe open a small bookstore and they could be safe from the world and it would all be okay. 

Except. 

She had to do this, it was the best step she would get to advance herself to Captain. She knew Jake wouldn’t really forgive her if she turned down a career move for him, she knew she would resent him if she did. What she didn’t know was if he could her for this. She’d said she’d never leave him, she’d promised but she had to. She prayed one day he could understand why. 

…

Two days before she left she’d picked a fight, the kind that was ugly and raw and hurt them both. She felt her heart crack and splinter, she was hurting him which in turn hurt her. She couldn’t help but feel like she deserved all the hurt, there was no coming back from what she was going to do. When she’d been about to cry, he’d apologised. He was so soft and warm and he was home so she cried. She loved him (so much) and she was going to have to throw it away. So, they lay on their sofa (although, she supposed, it was just his now) and cried into each other. She cried for what was going to happen and for all the history they shared and from fear of what might happen next. 

The day before she left she had to do it, had to rip off the bandaid and let the scab bleed all over the place (it felt like she was bleeding out). She heard herself saying they needed to talk, and how maybe it wasn’t working out anymore. She was expecting him to be angry, anger she could deal with, what she wasn’t prepared for was him begging. He begged her not to go and he promised he could change and at some point he slumped down onto the ground and just cried in wet, raw sobs. It was then her heart fell apart completely, all that was left was an open wound where Amy Santiago used to be and she realised she couldn’t do it but she’d signed the papers and now she had no choice. 

She’d tried to help him off the ground before she left and he’d screamed at her not to touch him in a voice so broken it didn’t even sound like him. She had been so stupid and selfish, how could she think this would ever be okay. She turned and she left but as she walked away she thought she heard him say her name one last time in a hoarse whisper and that was it, she reached her breaking point. She slumped against their (his) front door and cried in silent sobs so he wouldn’t know. How could she ever think this was a fixable choice. She realised that what she’d done would change her life,it could never be undone. She’d left when she promised she wouldn’t and now the rest of the squad would have to pick up the pieces because she couldn’t even properly say goodbye. 

…

She feels like a ghost as she goes to the safehouse. Like maybe she isn’t really even there. She focuses on the mission, flirts with mobsters, drinks a little too much maybe but she’s in the mob now so that’s normal. (Her new normal, but it still hurts so goddamn much.) Mobsters and people running crime rings don’t go to Shaw’s so she never risks seeing the squad. Why go to a bar full of cops when you’re a criminal? (She’s a criminal now, or would be to him at least.) The mission is slow and dull and she realises she hates undercover work. It all seems distant, like her life is happening to someone else and she’s just watching and she doesn’t know what to do anymore. 

This mission is predicted to last a year but she doesn’t know if she’ll last a year. She feels reckless and dumb, picking fights with potential future contacts, making poor decisions because she doesn’t see the point in any of them anymore. She picks fights because at least then she feels alive rather than like a raw nerve. Her knuckles are always bloody and she’s stopped wearing pant suits because they’re not well liked by mobsters. Sometimes she feels a little bit alive but mostly she feels hollow.

**Author's Note:**

> So I wrote this in like an hour and idk if it's any good also it doesn't fix anything that happened in the first one which i'm sorry about but i might to back and write a third part to bring it all together again but i also might not. I mainly wrote this as a way of procrastinating writing the highschool au i'm currently writing so it will probably be a while before i come back to this either way. 
> 
> Thank you sm for reading!!


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